Maybe This Time
by let-the-rain-fall-down
Summary: Clare Edwards is lonely and lost, and with a family that's breaking every minute, can anyone save her?
1. Chapter 1

The yelling is getting worse and worse. The words they throw at each other are like replicas of the blades I use on myself at night. How could two people, who are supposed to be in love, be so negative to one another? I was brought up to believe in true love and faith. But yet, the two role models in my life decide to throw it all away and break the rules.

I never planned on spending my nights curled in a ball, arms stinging with fresh hate. I never planned on being so cold, so alone. I never planned on having two parents who despised each other. I never planned on being alone through one of the toughest battles of my life.

Here I am, sitting on the floor in my bathroom. My mother is screaming at my father, saying how he screwed up our lives. How Darcy is gone because of him. How he doesn't love us anymore. It's the usual, daily conversation. But this conversation is violent, words throwing punches. While my parents are downstairs fighting over god knows what, I'm sitting up here, alone, slicing my skin open with a blade.

I'm a good girl. I know it. I'm told that every day of my life. But I need a way to call out for help. I've hit an all time low. Instead of being the cheery, straight-A, beautiful daughter that I used to be, I'm now a silent, terrified, cutter.

But I don't want to die. That's horrible. I just want to be found. I want someone to pick me up, hold me, and tell me it's going to be alright. Someone who will always be there for me. But of course, no one will find me. No one will ever help me. And that is what makes me sink farther down into this hole of despair.


	2. Chapter 2

I rolled over in my bed, frustrated at the annoying beeping coming from my alarm clock. It was Friday morning, much to my relief. One more day of this stupid routine, then I could relax. Or, whatever you call sitting around, doing nothing, waiting for the next verbal assault to begin.

I got up, rubbing my eyes. I looked down at my left arm, sitting exposed in my lap. Raw, red cuts were scattered along my wrists. I felt my stomach drop in disappointment. I was ashamed at how stupid I was to actually harm myself. I padded into my bathroom and got in a burning hot shower. I tried my best to wash away all of the hurt from last night. I avoided looking at my arm, refusing to subdue myself to the pain again. After the shower, I felt kind of relaxed. Maybe today, I could actually do something good.

I changed quickly, curled my hair, and headed downstairs. It was beautiful outside and it was a Friday. I wasn't completely miserable either. This was looking to be one of my better days. I walked into the kitchen, stopping dead in my tracks at the sight I was revealed to.

My dad was glaring down at my mom, while tears poured down her cheeks. Her face was red, with the imprint of a hand on it. I was a smart girl; it was obvious that he had slapped her. My throat tightened. My father had never, ever been abusive. But I guess people are not what they seem. I was a clear example of that.

I cleared my throat, and they both jumped. "I'm, uh, gonna walk to school today. I'll see you when I get home," I declared. I walked to the pantry, grabbed a bottle of water and a chewy bar, and headed to the front door.

"Honey, why don't I drive you on my way to work?" My dad asked. I turned around, my hand on the doorknob.

"No. You hit my mother, you lose my respect," I hissed at him, opening the door. I walked out of it, but not without seeing the look of pride on my mom's face. I had given her a glimmer of hope, I could tell. Good. One of the women in the Edwards family needed hope. If it couldn't be me, then I'd give it to someone else in a heartbeat.

I arrived at Degrassi Community High School with two minutes to spare. I rushed to my locker and grabbed whatever I could find, and went off to English. I sat through the whole class, imagining the conversation my parents must have had when I left. It could've been even worse than before, or they could've just gone their separate ways. I guess I wouldn't find out for a while.

The beginning of my day went by so slowly. You could tell it was Friday and everyone was excited. The volume of every conversation had gone up at least five levels. Finally, lunch time came around. I was at my locker when I hear a very familiar voice.

"Hey Clare-bear!" It was Alli, my best friend. "You're sitting with me today, right?" I found it funny how she asked me that every single day, even though she always knew my answer.

"Of course," I responded, smiling a little. I slammed my locker, and walked with Alli to lunch. She was blabbering away with some story about her love for Drew Torres. She had been obsessed with him ever since he transferred to Degrassi in the beginning of the year. He hadn't given her the time of day, but that hasn't stopped her.

The good thing about having Alli as my friend is I don't have to say much. Just a few nods and the occasional "yeahs" tend to get me through a conversation with her. My mind wandered off to my parents. I wish their fighting would stop. I was beginning to get frustrated with them. Why couldn't they see what they were doing to their daughter? Instead of wearing cute, bright tee-shirts, I was forever confined to the safety of my sweaters and long-sleeved shirts.

"Hello? Clare? You there?" Alli prodded me with her tiny finger.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, Alli. I totally spaced out," I covered.

"Are you okay? I've been kind of distant lately. Are things okay at home? Is something wrong with your grades? Is someone hassling you? Because if they are I'll—" I cut her off.

"Alli, thanks for your concern and all, but I'm honestly fine," I lied. "I'm just really tired. I haven't really been sleeping well for some reason, that's all. No need to worry," I plastered a fake smile on my face. For a moment, I thought she was going to keep diving deeper. She knew something was off. But after a few seconds, she shook her head, smiled, and continued on with her story.


	3. Chapter 3

It was the last period of the day, thank god. I can't just sit here anymore. I want to go home. I need to go home. I need to check on my mom and make sure she's okay. I couldn't believe that my dad had hit her like that. I was starting to get really worried. I mean, I'm not home. Who knows what he could have done to her?

I'm sure I'm just overreacting. That's me, Clare Edwards, queen of overthinking. I bet he just went to work and my mom sat at home all day. It's fine. It has to be fine. There is no other option.

The bell rang, and I jumped in my seat. I didn't even realize everyone had packed up their notes. I hastily shoved everything in my backpack and ran out of the room. I instantly regretted running.

The hallways were so narrow that it was like a giant stream of salmon was swimming furiously. I slammed into a group of kids, earning me a few death glares, and shove back. I mumbled my apology, set my gaze to the floor, and walked. After turning a few corners, I was near my locker. I breathed a sigh of relief as the crowd started thinning. Finally, I could just throw my stuff in my locker, get my bike, and ride home. Then I'd see my mom, all in one piece, and relax.

Maybe, if she had a good day, we could go out to dinner. Just my mom and me. But if my dad came home from work… I don't know. The screaming would be worse and worse. I'd have to lock myself in my room, sit on the floor. I don't know if I could handle that. I've been so fragile that I just—

I hit a wall and fell to the floor. I was daydreaming so much that I hadn't even seen where I was walking! _Way to go, Clare_, I thought to myself. I started to stand up, praying that no one had seen me, when arms were suddenly lifting me up. I guess it wasn't a wall that I ran into. I was finally on my feet again when I looked up at the person that I had crashed into.

The first thing I saw were a pair of intense, emerald eyes glaring at me. I wanted to marvel at how beautiful they were, when I realized the expression that went with them. My heart sunk to my stomach.

"Watch where you're going, okay? You're in a crowded place, not a park," He sneered. This new guy, whoever he was, had major attitude.

"Excuse me, Mr. Perfect, but I clearly remember you running into me, too," I shot back. Technically, it was true. If he was watching where he was going, he would've avoided my line of fire.

"Whatever. It's your fault anyways. Why can't you just do anything right?" There were those words again. The words of failure. I looked away, and then back up at him.

"I'm sorry, okay? Sorry I'm not good enough," I started to pull away. The jerk had to nerve to keep holding on to my wrists. I gave them a solid tug to get them out of his grasp. For some reason, he didn't let go. Instead, I had managed to yank the sleeves of my sweater up a few inches. I felt cold fingers slide across the scars that lay on my now-exposed wrists. My heart turned to ice and my knees went out. No-one had ever been so close to discovering me.

"I—What…What is this?" He said, disgusted. The green eyes that this boy was so lucky to possess had changed from a look of hatred to a look of confusion, and then to worry. He stepped closer to me. "What did you do to yourself?"

I couldn't take it anymore. The tears were already falling. "Just, just get away from me. Leave me alone!" I yelled at him, shoving him away. He finally let go, his arms now resting limply by his sides. I hoisted my backpack back on my shoulder and sped off to the exit. I didn't need anything important from my locker anymore. Nothing mattered as much as this escape.

"Clare! Clare! CLARE!" I heard someone calling my name. It wasn't Alli—it was a masculine voice. I wiped a few stray tears off of my cheek and looked back. Mystery boy was walking towards me, calling my name. I scoffed, turned on my heel, and left the school.

I didn't think twice about how he actually knew my name. My mission was to find my bike and race home as quickly as I could. I didn't need anyone seeing me. I already looked like a complete freak to a stranger. I didn't need my day getting any worse.

I unlocked my bike and hastily jumped on the seat. I pedaled as fast as I could. With every push, the anger left me, leaving me with a sad, empty hole. I thought of just biking forever. Never, ever stopping. And maybe I would.


	4. Chapter 4

By the time that I reached my house, I was too tired to keep on biking. Thankfully though, I had calmed down enough to pass as a fairly normal human being. As long as I kept the bright, shiny smile plastered on my face, no one would ever know. _Except him, _I thought, referring to my horrendous encounter in the hallways. I shook away the thought and hopped off my bike. Dragging it into the garage, I suddenly remembered my mother, and my plan to take her out tonight.

I rushed inside, eager to find her. "Mom?" I yelled, my voice echoing through the house. "Mom, are you home?" I called again. No response. I ran up the stairs, wondering if she was in her room. "Mom? Where are you? I wanted to know if you—" I stopped midsentence. I had pushed open the door to my parent's room and saw my mom. The look on her face was enough to stop a Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech.

She was sitting on the side of her bed, her shoulders slumped, her hands folded in her lap. There were tears dripped off her chin, falling onto her creased dress. Her cheeks were flushed and her nose looked like it was rubbed raw. I rushed over to her, a look of worry all over my face. I knelt by her and grabbed her hands.

"Mom, what's wrong? What happened?" I asked her. She looked up at me, eyes bloodshot.

"Baby, I don't know how to. I can't. I don't know how to explain-" She couldn't finish a complete sentence. I squeezed her hands.

"It's okay mom. Don't worry. Tell me when you're ready. I'm here," I said, standing up. She looked up at me with a look of sincerity. She looked like such a little kid, it made my heart melt a little bit. I gave her a hug and walked out of her room, shutting the door for privacy.

As much as I wanted to know what happened, I knew I shouldn't push it. But it killed me to know that my mother felt a bit like I do at night. Lonely, hopeless, deflated. She was a good person, she didn't deserve that feeling. I promised myself that I'd check up on her later. Before my dad got home. I knew he had something to do with this, and I needed to make sure he won't do it again.

I grabbed some fruit snacks and sat on the couch. I had an unhealthy obsession with fruit snacks. This pack happened to be Scooby Doo themed, my favorite. I reached for the remote and turned on the television. I was too distracted to even think about starting the homework I had for the weekend. I'd do it sometime after church on Sunday or something.

Sweet Home Alabama, my favorite movie of all time, was playing. I switched over to that channel, relaxing into the couch. I've probably seen this movie about 70 something times, but I never get sick of it. The whole "true love withstands anything" theme always makes me smile. Plus, you can't go wrong with Patrick Dempsey, even if he isn't the main in the movie.

I was about an hour into the movie when there was a knock on my door. I stayed on the couch, thinking it was just my dad. I wasn't going to open the door for him, he could unlock it himself. But still, about 2 minutes later, the person was still knocking. Frustrated, I walked over to the door and opened it. Looking into the eyes of my guest, my face paled.

It was the green-eyed wonder from school. He looked like he wasn't going to leave if I just slammed the door in his face. I gathered courage from god knows where, and stepped out of the house, closing the door behind me.

I crossed my arms over my chest. "How do you know where I live?" I asked.

"Alli told me," He stated. I wondered what that conversation must have been like. They don't even know each other. The look on my face must have showed some confusion, because his answer came out rushed. "I told her I'd talk to Drew about her if she told me. Her love for him isn't exactly a secret…" He trailed off. That was understandable.

"Anyways…can we walk or something?" He asked me, shifting uncomfortably. Probably from my lack of conversation.

"No. You can leave. That's what you can do." I didn't want to leave my mom completely alone. I also didn't want to talk to him, in case I slipped up and he discovered even more about me.

"Clare, come on—" I cut him off.

"How do you even know my name?" I asked.

"I'm in your English class," He said slowly. "I sit in front of you," His eyes looked so confused. I must have been so out of it lately that I can't even put two and two together and realize who he was.

"I'm Eli. Eli Goldsworthy," He said, sticking his hand out. I stared down at it, wondering why I would ever shake his hand. "Right, well," He mumbled, awkwardly running his hand through his hair, as if it were to shake off his failed attempt at being friendly.

"Clare Edwards," I finally responded. "You probably already know that, since you stalk me everywhere," I scoffed. Eli blushed.

"I don't stalk you. I just know you exist. And…" Something in his eyes shifted, "I just want to make sure you're okay," Eli added, while taking a step closer.

I took a step back. I started panicking. "Uh, I'm fine, thanks. I just have to go now. I'll, uh, I'll see you around. Maybe," I added the last part as more of a whisper, but I think he still heard me. I lunged for the doorknob, refusing to partake in any more of this dangerous conversation. It was nice to know that someone out there actually seemed to care, but what if I creeped him out? I'm not exactly normal, and he could easily be afraid of that. It's best if I just stick it out on my own.

But no, Eli Goldsworthy had something about him. He refused to give up. I knew this, because as I was turning the doorknob to escape into my house, I felt arms wrap around my waist. Eli's arms, to be exact. They spun me around, and I was, for the second time today, face to face with a gorgeous pair of green eyes that seemed to be glittering.

"Clare," He whispered, "I'm not leaving you. I'm not running away. I don't care what it takes, I'm sticking by you. You can run all you want from me, but I won't give up on you. I want to help you. There's just something about you, something that makes me want to do this. I'll get you to trust me one day. Until then, I want to be by your side. I want to be the one you call whenever you need someone to talk to. Okay? Can you do that? Can you just call me whenever you need someone? Please?"

I nodded slowly. He had already won me over at the start. To know someone wouldn't leave me was something I've never felt before. I felt like the burden that had been pushing down on my shoulders for so long was lifted just a tiny bit. Maybe a pound or two had been taken off by Eli, and he took it upon himself to place it on his own self.

"Let me see your phone," Eli said. I pulled it out of my back pocket and gave it to him. After a minute or two, he gave it back to me, a smirk on his face. "I guess I'll see you around, Edwards." With that, he walked nonchalantly back to his car, which, of course, was a hearse. He looked like he had just had a casual conversation about English homework, not like he just talked to me about saving me from myself.

The hearse roared with life, and it sped off. I stood there stupidly on the front steps, watching after him. Just when Eli was about to turn the corner, I saw a head swamped with black hair stick out of this side window. He turned, revealing his face. When Eli saw me watching him, his set his mouth in his famous smirk. Then, as quickly as he had appeared, Eli sunk back through the window and into his car. In a few seconds, he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

I went back inside, a smile on my face. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I actually had hope. Eli's persistence showed that someone out there may actually care about what's going on in my life. Then again, he could easily just be bluffing. He was a guy, he couldn't care about me. The last boy who ever seemed to care about me cheated on me with some blonde bimbo. Whatever.

I grabbed the T.V. remote and turned it off. I decided that it was time to check on my mom, see what's up with her. I climbed the stairs to her room. My heart was pounding. The truth was sometimes a scary thing, and I didn't know if I was ready for it or not.

I hesitated before pushing the door to her bedroom open. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what happened. But I knew that my mom needed help. So, whether I liked it or not, I pushed the door open.

My mother wasn't on her bed anymore. Actually, she wasn't even in her room. I stepped inside. "Mom?" I called. I heard a thump and I began to panic. She was really upset, who knew what she could do. I rushed into the bathroom that was attached to her room. "Mom, what are you doing?" I asked, nervous for the response.

But what I saw wasn't what I expected at all. There was my mother, standing at the mirror, a new dress clinging to her body and her hair freshly curled. She had makeup on and you could smell her shampoo in the air. She didn't look like the broken child-like person that I saw just a while ago. She looked like she had always been this beautiful, this care-free, this happy. She turned to me, a genuine smile on her face.

"Hey baby, what's wrong?" She asked, referring to the confused look on my face.

"What are you-? Where are you-? What just happened?" I asked, stuttering like an idiot.

"What do you mean, Clare?" She stepped closer to me.

"A moment ago, you were having a meltdown, and now you're dressed up and acting like nothing even happened!" I didn't mean to yell. I honestly didn't. But I spent all day worried about her, I turned down the opportunity to take a walk with Eli of all people, just to make sure she was okay.

"I don't know what you're talking about Clare," She said icily, turning back to the mirror. She applied another coat of mascara. "I'm going out with a few of the mothers from church. I'll be back around midnight. You can order in for dinner, do what you want. I love you baby," She said. She reached into her purse, gave me twenty dollars, kissed me on the cheek, and walked out. I stood there, dumbfounded, while I listened to her thump down the stairs. I heard her rummaging for something, probably her car keys, then the door slammed shut.

I was officially alone. And she didn't even care. After all of the time I had spent today freaking out over whether she was okay or not, she just walked out on me. Standing there, near tears, is when it hit me. She was doing exactly what I do every single day of my life. I spend my nights crying, harming myself, wishing this all to be over. Yet, I throw on some pretty clothes, some makeup, and a stunning smile. All to make everyone around me forget about how unhappy I previously was.

I had enough. I couldn't take all of these feelings. I hated the giant pit at the bottom of my stomach. I hated my family. I hated being alone. I hated myself.

I ran to my room, tears streaming down my face. I was frustrated with the feeling of the salt lodging itself in my eyes. I felt so weak. Why was I such a failure? I rummaged through some drawers and found it. My release. The pocket knife I stole from my dad a few months ago.

I sat on the bathroom floor, the tiles cool against my warm skin. The anger had boiled over. I was done. I ran the knife over my wrist. I thought of my mom. Cut. I thought of my dad and his anger. Cut. Thought of Darcy, and how she left me all alone to deal with this. Cut. I thought of Eli. How much he wanted to help me. And I had failed him. The deepest cut of all was for him. He could "help" me all he wanted, but nothing was going to work. I was a failure. I couldn't be fixed.

I slowly stood up, throwing the knife on the floor. I walked over to the sink and blasted out cold water. I ran my arm under the constant flow of ice water, making me flinch. The water turned pink with the excess blood joining with it. I couldn't look at the sink anymore because the disappointment at myself was too much. I looked over to my room, focusing on the bright, happy, yellow color that it was painted. I sighed, shutting off the sink. I grabbed the knife, stashing it back in the drawer.

I flopped on my bed, too upset to do anything important. I didn't want to do anything. Just lie here all night. About twenty minutes later though, I heard a ding go off on my computer. Knowing it was Alli, I let it go. But eventually, curiosity got the best of me. If it was Alli, she would've sent about 20 messages to me, asking where I was and why I wasn't responding. This person had only sent one message. I got up and walked over to my laptop, shaking the mouse so it would wake up from sleep mode.

**eli-gold49: **Edwards.

Of course, it would be Eli. I felt like he was watching me. Like he somehow knew about what I had just done.

**clare-e23: **you rang?

**eli-gold49:** what are you doing tonight?

**clare-e23**: probably staying home.

I didn't care about being mean. I didn't want to talk to him right now. I felt extraordinarily guilty.

**eli-gold49:** care to change that plan?

**clare-e23:** no.

**eli-gold49:** why not?

I could practically see his smirk through the computer.

**clare-e23:** because I don't feel like socializing.

He must have read into that, because he didn't respond for a bit.

**eli-gold49:** clare, what's wrong?

Crap.

**clare-e23:** nothing? I'm fine!

**eli-gold49:** Then why won't you go out?

**clare-e23:** because I just don't want to, okay?

Again, there was a long break. I knew I was acting suspect, but I just needed him to see that I didn't want to do anything. I wanted him to go away.

**eli-gold49:** clare…

**clare-e23:** what?

**eli-gold49:** look, if there's anything you want to tell me, anything at all, you can tell me. I know we aren't the best of friends, but I thought I made it clear that I want to be here for you.

I had it. I was done.

**clare-e23:** No, Eli. You don't get it. You never will. Just leave me alone, okay? Stop trying to talk to me. Stop trying to be nice. I really don't care about what you want to do. We will never be friends, just go away.

With that, I logged off. I felt so guilty, and so bad for lashing out on him. He didn't deserve that. I freaked out over nothing. Why couldn't I do anything right? I could feel a fresh load of tears welling up behind my eyes. This time, I crawled under the covers of my bed. I was officially alone. I pushed away the one person who actually had a chance of saving me. This thought released the tears that I tried so hard to hold back.

I must have been crying for hours. It felt like it, at least. It was probably maybe 1 or 2 hours, at the most. Eventually, I had just kind of given up and laid there. Suddenly, I heard a door slam. I stiffened, wiping my face. I sat up, slowly. I heard a bag hit the floor. "Clare? Clare, where are you? I need to talk to you!" I hear a voice yell. I was filled with anger. I jumped off of my bed and ran down the stairs. I finally stopped when I came face to face with him.

"What do you want, dad? What could you ever, possibly want?"


	6. Chapter 6

My dad approached me, holding out his arms. I crossed my arms over my chest and stepped backwards. "Clare, what's wrong?" He asked, concerned with my reaction.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that you hit my own mother this morning!" I shouted at him.

"Clare, come on, I didn't do that!" He responded. I let out a short, angry laugh.

"You're kidding, right? I saw the mark! I heard it! Why would you lie to me?" His face drained of color.

"Looks, Clare, I didn't mean too. Your mother and I…we're just different," He concluded lamely.

"Just because you're different doesn't mean you have the permission to HIT her!" I screamed, my anger finally reaching its high point. I ran to the closet, grabbed my jacket and headed to the door.

"Clare, stop! Where do you think you're going?" My dad yelled. With a swift moment, he had gripped my wrist in a tight lock that I couldn't shake off. He pulled me towards him with a sharp yank and I tumbled over my own feet. I fell to the ground, forcing him to let go. My wrist hurt like hell. I knew it was going to bruise in the morning.

I sat on my heels and looked up at him in shock. He seemed to mirror my own expression. His mouth opened and closed, searching for words that would sugar coat this horrendous experience. Eventually, he held out his hand. That gesture alone sent me over the edge. The tears started to pour out of my eyes as I stood up. My knees were stiff from landing on the floor, but I had to leave.

I walked back over to the door, tears sliding down my cheeks. "Clare," I heard my father whisper. "Clare, it's twelve at night. You can't go anywhere." I opened the door and stepped onto the porch. "Clare, do not disobey your father!" He yelled at me.

I whipped my head around. "You are not my father. You're just some asshole who happens to breathe the same air as me," I was surprised I could get that out. My throat had closed up from crying so hard. With those words, I slammed the door in his stunned face and ran.

After thirty minutes of walking around aimlessly in the freezing cold, I realized that my father was right. I couldn't go anywhere. Curfew was almost up, so I could get in trouble for that. Plus, my jacket wasn't holding up too well against the bitter cold. The tears had slowed down and they now clung to my face like ice. I found a bench on the street that I was walking down and sat down on it. I checked my phone. No messages, no missed calls, nothing. No one cared about me. I sighed, and rested my head on the bench. I knew that I had to go home sooner or later. I had nowhere else to go.

Just then, a car pulled up on the side of the steet. It was dark outside, I couldn't tell what it looked like. For a split second, I thought that maybe Eli had found me. He seemed to know when I needed help. The window to the car rolled down and a face popped out. "Clare?" They called. My heart sank. It wasn't Eli. It was Alli.

The door opened and Alli rushed to my side. "Clare, what's wrong? Are you okay? What happened?" Her questions were beginning to make me feel extraordinarily lightheaded.

"I'm fine, Alli. Really. I should get going now," I stood up. Alli stood up with me, her face a mask of determination.

"I don't need to know what happened, but you're upset. I know when something's wrong with my own best friend. There's something that you haven't been telling me lately. I didn't want to press about it, because I knew you'd tell me when you were ready. Now come in the car. You're staying with me tonight." I was shocked. I knew Alli wasn't shallow, but I never thought that she'd actually care about the deep dark stories that kept occurring in my life. I mentally told myself to let her in. I needed someone and Alli was here. I needed to stop pushing people away if I wanted help.

"Come on, let's go," She said. She grabbed my right wrist to lead me to the car, when pain shot through my arm. I winced and pulled away from her. "Clare, what—" She stopped. She saw my wrist. Thank god, my dad had bruised my right wrist. The scars from myself, however, laid on my left. Bruises were blossoming all around my wrist. Alli stood there in shock for about a second before she recovered. This time, she gently pushed my back towards the car.

I opened the back door and stepped in. I looked up to see Sav in the driver's seat. Of course, Alli couldn't be driving around this late by herself. I should have known. I quickly looked away, hoping he wouldn't see how bloodshot my eyes were and how raw my face was. I saw him shoot a confused glance at Alli, who just shook her head slightly. "She's staying the night," Alli whispered to him. He simply nodded and drove off.

Five minutes later, we were in front of the Bhandari household. I took a deep breath, knowing that I just set myself up for a night of burning looks and silent interrogations. I hopped out of the car, attempting to put on a happy face. It must not have been working, because Alli gave me a weird look and walked to the door. She opened the door slowly, as if fearing the outburst that her parents were sure to give her.

Sure enough, her parents were sitting at the table in the first room, waiting for her. When we stepped into the house, I saw her parents both release a sigh. But instantly, they stiffened, replacing the look of relief with a stern mask. The switch was so quick that I wasn't sure whether or not the first part had happened. I waited to see what Alli would come up with as her excuse for being out so late this time.

"Dad, I'm sorry, it's my fault we were out so late. I was at a party and got distracted. Alli and Clare had nothing to do with it," Sav spoke up. I was surprised. I sent a confused glance his way and he caught it. _You okay?_ He mouthed at me. Of course, he was taking the fall so Alli would be off the hook and could help me. I blushed furiously. I didn't like having a lot of people knowing about my "problems". Obviously.

"Savtaj, I am very disappointed in you," Their dad responded. "You will have to face consequences young man." Sav's posture slumped.

"Mr. and Mrs. Bhandari, I apologize for making your children come home late. I'm sorry for scaring you. I was just… I had some problems at home and they had to come get me and…" I couldn't finish. I started choking on my own words. Mrs. Bhandari rushed over, holding me in her arms. She rubbed circles on my back, attempting to calm me down.

"Do not worry, Clare. You can stay as long as you need to. It's okay. Go relax," She said lovingly. I looked up at her. Her eyes were filled with concern. Alli and Sav were so lucky to have parents that cared so much about them. Sure, they were awfully strict, but it just showed their constant love and protection.

Taking that as her cue, Alli put her hand on my back and guided me to her room. I heard some mumbling behind me and then running footsteps.

"Thanks Clare," It was Sav. "You saved me back there. No punishment." He gave me a smile. He opened his mouth to say something else, but Alli gave him a murderous glare. He understood quickly, patted me on the shoulder, and ran into his room, locking the door.

"Sorry. He's, uh. Yeah," Alli said. We were alone in her room, standing there awkwardly. It was obvious that she wanted to know what went down, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell her. Looking into her big, brown eyes, I suddenly knew I was. We had been best friends for years. No matter how annoying she could be, she always helped me. She was my best friend for a reason. So I took a deep breath and launched into my story.

At the end, I was crying. How many tears could a person create in one day? I was like a constant waterfall. Frankly, I hated it. It showed how weak I was.

"Clare, I'm so sorry!" Alli's high voice broke me out of my reverie. "I had no clue that was going on! Is your wrist okay? Do you need ice for it or something?" I nodded.

"Ice would be good," She smiled and got up. When she reached the doorway, I called after her. "Alli? Thanks. You know, for everything. I'm really glad I have one person I can count on." The smile she gave me before she walked out warmed me up inside. How could I have taken all my anger out on myself, when she was right here to listen to me? I was so stupid.

Eventually, Alli came back with enough ice to make slushies for the army, but I didn't tell her that. It was wonderful that she even cared enough to let me be here. We were up for hours talking about stuff that I seemed to miss out on when I was too busy moping.

For once, life actually seemed like it was going to get better.


	7. Chapter 7

I decided that I was going to stay at Alli's all weekend. Well, technically, I didn't decide. Alli did. She's pretty much holding me hostage. Lately, we haven't really been hanging out. I've been distant, so she's been off hanging out with Jenna. That's not really the recipe for success, and we knew that. Alli promised me that she was going to change that. Somehow, this tiny little girl has gotten to me. Being surrounded by her explosive personality happened to perk me up a bit.

By the time Sunday rolled around, Alli and I had mended our relationship. I even mentioned Eli to her. I didn't tell her about his persistence with the whole "cutting thing" though. I just said that he seemed to want to talk to me all the time. Of course, dropping that bomb made her question the heck out of me.

Alli even decided to go to church with me. That gesture alone was enough to make me smile all morning. I put on a dark blue dress and stood in front of the mirror. You could clearly see the cuts running along my arm. I found a white cardigan of Alli's that was long sleeved. Twirling around, I was satisfied with my look. Sure, it was a little weird to wear a long sleeved cardigan to church in this beautiful weather, but whatever. I could just say I get cold really easily.

Alli walked into the room. She eyed my cardigan and raised her eyebrows. "God forbid Saint Clare shows a bit of skin," She joked.

"Ha ha, very funny, Alli. Actually, I think I'm getting the cold. I've just been really cold lately, and I don't know why," The lie came out so naturally and so well that Alli believed it instantly.

"Alright, well. Are you ready to go?" She asked me. I looked her up and down. She was wearing a tight, red, strapless dress. It was also unnecessarily short.

"Uh, dressed like that? No." I said, referring to her outfit. She frowned.

"Come on, Clare! Doesn't Drew go to your church?" How does she find out this stuff?

"Yeah, Ms. Stalker. But that doesn't mean you have to dress so…revealing." I was going to say "slutty", but I felt like she'd take it personally and get upset with me. That was the last thing I needed.

"Ugh, FINE!" She yelled, storming off. She must have been thinking along the same lines as me because if she wasn't, she'd have put up a fight.

Five minutes later, Alli appeared in a much more suitable dress. It was yellow and knee-length. It was light and airy, and it looked stunning on Alli. I think she looked even more beautiful in this dress than the slutty one.

"Perfect," I said. "Let's head out!" We headed downstairs to see Sav sitting at the dining room table. Obviously, he was our ride to church. But he was dressed nicely, which means he must be going to church with us. The idea that the two of them actually wanted to go to something that they usually don't go to, just for me, warmed me up. People out there actually cared about me. I was just too dumb to look for them.

"You girls ready?" Sav asked, standing up. We nodded and he opened the door for us. We all piled in the car and took off.

I was singing along to the song playing in the car, _Fairytale_by Sara Bareilles, when I heard my name.

"Clare?" Sav called to me. I looked up and saw him staring at me in the car mirror. "Aren't you hot in that cardigan? Why don't you take it off? It's so nice outside!" He was obviously trying to start a harmless conversation, but my face still paled.

"I, uh, must be a little sick. I've just been really cold lately," I stammered. Sav, unfortunately, didn't buy it as easily as Alli did a few minutes ago. He eyed me with an odd look on his face, but soon looked back to the road after I looked away.

Alli must have sensed that awkward tension in the air, so she turned the volume of the radio up.

_Cause I don't care_

_For your fairytales._

_You're so worried 'bout the maiden_

_though you know she's only waiting_

_on the next best thing._

I sang quietly to myself for the rest of the ride to church. When we got there, we took our seats. My parents were nowhere to be found. For some reason, that didn't really surprise me. The service seemed to go by quickly for some reason. I could hear Alli belting out the words to the songs we sang. It made me smile a bit. Finally, church was over. Sav, Alli, and I all headed back to the car.

"So, where to?" Sav asked us. Alli looked at me. We both seemed to know what I was about to say. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I think it's time for me to go home," I managed to say. I was terrified to go home. I hadn't contacted any of my parents about where I was all weekend. None of them called me or texted me though, so maybe they wouldn't be that mad. I knew that wasn't even a remote possibility, though. They expected me to be this perfect, wonderful child all the time. I'd never go missing for a whole weekend. So why hadn't they tried to contact me?

Unfortunately, we didn't have to go back to the Bhandari's. Since I had basically lived off of Alli's clothes and things all weekend, I didn't have any possessions there. She insisted that I could just wash the dress and cardigan and give them back to her later. But I wanted to stall. I didn't want to go home. For once in a very long time, I felt relatively content. I wasn't necessarily happy, but I wasn't in this depressed haze that had seemed to take over me for so long.

Before I knew it, Sav had parked in front of my house. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and stepped out. Alli opened hers too and hopped out of the car. She gave me a big hug.

"Thanks for everything, Alli. I really needed it," I said once she released me.

"Hey, what are friends for?" She smiled. "Now, go in there and show them who is boss. You can do it, Clare bear. I believe in you. Call me later tonight, okay? Call me anytime you need to." With that, she gave me a final smile, and crawled back into her seat. Sav gave me a wave and drove off.

I was officially alone.

I took a deep breath and gave myself a mini pep talk. I could do this. I was Clare Edwards. I'm going to be fine. If I have to, I can always fall back on my trusted lying skills. With that, I began walking. I stood in front of the door. I actually debated knocking. I felt like such a stranger to this house. To this family. To this life.

I took another cleansing breath and opened the door. I flinched, waiting for the barricade of yelling and accusations to start. I waited, eyes shut tight. …nothing happened. I peeled my eyes open and looked around. No one was in the front rooms.

"Mom? Dad?" I called, wandering around the house. I walked into the kitchen. On the table, there was a note.

_Clare,_

_You never came home. You're probably out acting like a slut, just like your stupid mother. I've had enough. I am leaving. I swear, I will get my revenge on you two if it's the last thing I do. I wasted all this time on you two and got nothing in return, except for a family full of sluts. I am finished with it all. I'm coming back for you two. Once I get a plan, you better watch out._

_Dad._

My hands shook, and my breathing was raspy. All the happiness that I felt over the weekend had vanished. What the hell was this? First of all, how was my mother a slut? She just went out with friends on Friday night. It was nothing big. Unless… unless she was lying to me. Which, she could have easily been doing. She did look way to fancy to be meeting up with friends. My stomach dropped when I remembered how cold she had been to me at that moment on Friday.

But what was with the rest of this note? "I'm coming back for you two." What is this? What the hell is he on? This was the most terrifying thing I have ever seen. For once, I was actually scared for my life. Lately, he's been so angry. Who knows what he can do?

The note fluttered out of my hands and onto the floor. "Mom?" I croaked out. I needed to find her. I don't know when he wrote this. If he wrote it on Friday, he could have gotten his "plan" by now. And from the looks of it, he wasn't too happy with us. Who knew what he was planning to do with us?

**A/N: This was more of a build up chapter. I spent a lot of time trying to write and re-write this chapter, but nothing seemed to fit right. It took me a long time to finally be satisfied with what I wrote. I hope you guys like it! Review, please!**


	8. Chapter 8

I sprinted to the stairs, breathing heavily. So many thoughts were running through my head. I knew that my dad was possibly abusive. And my mom wasn't answering to my shouts. I could also hear movement upstairs. I took the stairs two at a time, trying not to think of the worst that could be happening. "Mom?" I called one final time. Nothing. I headed to her room, when I heard voices. I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. I reached the door and slowly pushed it open.

I definitely did not see what I expected to see. I expected my mom, sitting alone. Or, at the very worst, my dad and my mom fighting. But no. I got to see my mom and some random guy that I've never seen before making out on her bed. This was much worse than anything I had imagined. My mother's shirt was pushed up to her chest and the stranger's was lying on the floor. My head was spinning.

"Mom! What the hell are you doing?" I screamed at her. They instantly jumped apart.

"Clare Diane Edwards! Don't you dare use that language in this house!" She yelled, pulling her shirt back down.

"Excuse me? I can't say 'hell', yet you can go off making out with strangers while you're MARRIED?" I couldn't take it. This was ridiculous. The guy looked at my mother. She obviously hadn't mentioned that she was married, because he had a hurt look on his face. He got up and began to put on his shirt.

"Jack, come on! Don't leave!" My mom called to her "friend".

"Forget it, Helen. I'm done," Jack said. With that, he walked out of the room. It was silent. I could hear Jack's footsteps to the front door. The door opened, and then slammed shut. The house shook. We were officially alone. I glared at my mother.

"Clare, I can explain…" She started. I cut her off.

"Really, mom? Because you told me that you were going out with church friends Friday night! Not that you were hooking up with random strangers that YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!" I screamed, blowing up at her. Our lives were possibly at risk, and she was here acting like a…slut. Oh my god. My dad knew about this. He must have seen them together on Friday. She probably just blew him off, so he wrote that note and left. Suddenly, everything made sense.

"Dad left. Did you know that? He wrote a note that pretty much threatened our lives, and you probably didn't even know." I had hit my highest emotional point. Whenever I get there, I just totally shut down. The words I spoke came out like a whisper. I couldn't gather the strength to do anything right now, let alone scream at my mother.

Her face paled. "Wh-what do you mean?" She asked, standing up. "You're kidding. You're bluffing. He would never do such a thing!" She started shaking her head. "You're just trying to prevent me from having fun!" She began to yell. _Having fun?_ Is she _mental_? She was having an affair! "You're just a psycho little bitch!" She screamed. Why was she acting like this? She never, ever acted like this! My mom charged at me and grabbed my hair. I yelled in pain.

"Are you happy that you ruined my marriage?" She slammed my head against the wall. "It's your entire fault! You're a failure. No one will ever love you. Just give up already!" She threw me on the ground and stormed out. I lay there, crumpled and confused. My head was throbbing and bruising. Tears streamed down my face. I heard the door open and, for the second time today, slam shut with such a force that it made the house tremble.

I couldn't escape it. I couldn't escape the hate that seemed to follow me everywhere that I went. No one can save me. I don't get why I keep trying to crawl out of this mess. Every time I feel happy, or hopeful, or even remotely saved, something worse happens to bring me down again. I can never win.

I crawled out of the room and into the bathroom. I rummaged through the drawer until something sharp poked my cold, trembling fingers. Relief washed over me. My only true savior, this shiny, cold object, was my escape. I closed my eyes and ran the blade over my wrist. Again and again and again. I couldn't even cry anymore. The emotions were gone. I wasn't anything anymore.

I could feel my arm burning with pain. It was like someone lit a fire on me. But I smiled, knowing that I was finally making everyone happy. I was getting rid of myself. I was starting to get really drowsy. I washed the blade off and threw it in the drawer. I looked at my arm. It was the worst it had ever been. Cuts ran all along it, twisting and turning, none of them the same. In a way, I was unique. I smirked, and sank down the wall. My cheek pressed against the cool tile on the floor. I shut my eyes, hoping for a better tomorrow.

….

I woke up, my head spinning. I had no clue what time it was. _Where was I?_ I sat up and instantly regretted it. Movement only made my lightheadedness worse. I looked around. I recognized the color of the walls and the feel of the floor. I was in my bathroom. The window wasn't letting in any light, so it must be nighttime. My eyes finally adjusted to the dark. My phone was thrown across the room. I crawled over and reached for it. Sliding it open, I saw that it was 11:37 pm. I had 5 texts and 3 missed calls from Alli, two texts from Eli (he'd been trying to talk to me all weekend, but I ignored every single text and call), and absolutely nothing from either of my parents.

My parents. Right. I didn't know what I was going to do about them. I couldn't hear any noise in the house, which meant that they weren't home. I was hoping that the stupid note and fight with my mother were all just a big nightmare. But they weren't. Unfortunately, my nightmares have now become my reality.

Suddenly, I felt a searing pain in my left arm. I looked down and my breath lodged in my throat. My arm was covered in sliced skin crusted with blood. It looked disgusting. There was blood all over my shorts, my legs, and the floor. This explained the dizziness. I stood up as slowly as possible. I knew from Darcy's run in with cutting that loss of blood was extremely dangerous. I grabbed a towel and ran hot water over it. Wrapping it around my arm, I winced. The contact caused incredible pain. I found another towel and wet it as well. I got down on my knees and scrubbed the heck out of the tile.

When the tile was as spotless and it would ever be, I got up slowly again. I felt like a granny moving turtle miles per hour. I wiped down my legs and ripped off my shorts. I threw them in the trash. There goes a perfectly decent article of clothing. Frustrated, I walked into my room and threw open my closet. I grabbed the first pair of pajama pants I could find and put them on.

After half an hour of wandering around the house, I went back into my room, armed with the essentials. I had a bottle of Advil, a bottle of water, a chewy bar, and plenty of bandages. I ate the chewy bar and took some Advil. This arm was one hell of a hassle. I then tried my best to play "doctor" and wrap up my arm. In fifteen gauze-filled minutes, my arm looked satisfactory. I threw the pills and left over bandages onto the floor and climbed into bed. I lay there, trying to get back to sleep.

My thoughts drifted everywhere. School tomorrow would be interesting, what with Alli freaking out over her ignored calls. She's probably so upset right now. I felt really bad. After all that time she spent trying to help me, I blew it. I reached across my bedside table and grabbed my cell phone. I flipped it open, revealing that it was 12:41. Even though she'd be asleep, I quickly fired off a text to Alli.

_I'm so sorry, I fell asleep really early and didn't hear my phone going off. Today was fine, neither of my parents were home. Apparently there was some church event they had to go to. Thanks for calling though (:_

_-Clare._

That was as close to the truth as I could get. Hopefully she'd read it in the morning and relax a little. Before I put my phone back, I saw Eli's texts.

_Hey, Clare. Just wanna check on you._

_-Eli._

_Clare, are you okay? You've ignored me all weekend. I get that I'm probably bugging you a ton, I just care about you. Talk to me on Monday, okay? Please._

_-Eli._

I sighed and shut my phone. I placed it on the table and rolled over, facing away from it. I couldn't let Eli corner me tomorrow. Somehow, he knows something is wrong. He can read me like an open book. I knew that he'd check my arm and see the bandage. Great. Maybe I should just take the rest of the pills in the bottle on my floor and be done with it.

**A/N: Well, how was it? I know where I want to go with this, I'm just taking a while to get there! Let me know if I'm doing good with this. I really like it, and I have a lot of twists to throw in here. Review! Or don't, whatever you want to do.**


	9. Chapter 9

I woke up to my alarm clock going off. I sat up, extraordinarily groggy. I blinked a couple of times, trying to make the world stop spinning. I groaned, remembering that it was Monday. School.

I had the worst headache. I felt like my head was splitting in half. I sighed, knowing that I had to get up and take a shower. Sliding off of my bed, I stepped on something. A little bottle of Advil. God must be blessing me this morning, because I ripped the cap of the bottle off and poured three pills into my hand. I took a swig of water and downed the pills. I sighed again, this time feeling a tiny smile creep up on my face. At least the pain would go away now.

I padded into the bathroom, remembering my episode I had in there yesterday. I shuddered and rushed into the shower. The hot water relaxed my tense muscles. After ten minutes, I was squeaky clean and refreshed. I accidentally left my bandages on in the shower, so I had to rewrap my arm. Pulling the damp bandages off revealed an ugly arm covered in blood. I must have bled all through the night, because the gauze was pretty much dyed red now. This was really dangerous. But I couldn't get help. What would everyone think of me? Saint Clare isn't such a saint.

I closed my eyes and quickly rewrapped my arm. I didn't want to look at the damage anymore. It looked like I stuck my arm in a blender and hit the "chop" button. I put on some jeans and a white hoodie. White represented innocence, right?

I thumped downstairs for breakfast. I expected my parents to be in the kitchen, screaming at each other. Instead, I was welcomed "good morning" by an empty kitchen. Fabulous. I walked to the fridge, planning on getting some fruit. I stepped on something that made me jolt forward a bit. I looked down and saw a small, square piece of paper. I picked it up and instantly regretted it.

It was the note. The note that scared me to death. I dropped it, feeling like it had just been in a raging fire. I shook my head and tried to forget about the words etched onto that piece of plain paper. I yanked the door of the fridge open and grabbed some random fruit. I think it was a green apple. I'm not sure, I was too distracted.

I couldn't just stand around in an empty house full of horrific memories. I needed to leave. I hitched my backpack over my shoulder and charged out of the front door. Walking to school was imperative today. I had no other option.

Thankfully, the walk wasn't too long. I arrived at Degrassi with plenty of time to wander around and do absolutely nothing. I found an empty bench outside and sat at it. I closed my eyes and leaned back. It was a typical spring day; sun shining, birds chirping, people giggling and chatting away. When you were in the sun, it felt like summer. The heat from the sun was gorgeous. But I was starting to sweat in this hoodie. It was a bad idea to sit here.

"Clare?" Uh oh. My heart dropped. But I kept my eyes closed. Maybe he'd think I was asleep and leave me alone.

"Clare, why did you ignore me all weekend?" Eli asked me. He sat down next to me. I could hear it.

"Come on. I just want to help." I winced at the last word. That movement blew my cover. I sighed and opened my eyes. Eli was staring at me with such intensity that you'd think I was on fire or something.

"My phone was off." I simply said. He looked at me doubtfully. He wasn't dumb enough to buy it.

"All weekend?" He asked, almost laughing at my ridiculous response.

"Fine. I just didn't feel like answering you, okay? I'm fine." I tried to put as much certainty as I could into my last sentence, but it just came out as a weak mumble. Eli caught it.

"No, you're not. You're here super early, trying to sleep, and you suck at lying," He concluded, smirking. How does he know exactly what I'm thinking all the time? It's starting to get really annoying.

"Look, Eli, why don't you just leave me alone? I'd really like that," I said, giving him as much sass as possible. He just looked at me.

"I'm not leaving you, Clare. You can try to push me away all you want. But I won't leave. How am I going to get you to believe that I actually want to help you?" Eli pleaded. His emerald eyes shimmered. It was really hard to resist him when he was so damn hot.

"Actions speak louder than words," I thought out loud. As soon as it slipped out, I blushed a furious shade of red. Eli looked at me, his mouth wide open. Then, he shut it, setting his jaw. His face put on a mask of determination. I groaned inwardly; I had now started a whole barricade of Eli tactics.

"Clare!" A girl called. I broke eye contact with Eli to see Alli running towards me. Or should I say wobbling. Her heels were unnaturally high for a tiny girl like her. Her hair was flying behind her back and she looked frantic.

"Clare, I was so worried about you last night! But I'm so glad you texted me. I got it this morning and I was so relieved! I thought that maybe—" Eli cleared his throat and she stopped rambling.

"Uh, before you want to say anything in front of me that you'll regret, I'm gonna leave." He turned to me. "Bye, Clare," He murmured, something sparking in his eyes. He lightly tapped my left arm and stood up. With a smirk at Alli, he rushed off.

Alli looked at me, a smile rising on her beautiful face. "So, was that the famous Eli?" She asked, poking my side. I turned to her, annoyed.

"Yes, that was Eli. And he's not famous. He's just annoying," I lied. He is famous. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually liked Eli. He knew when I was lying and called me out on it. He wanted to be here for me. But I couldn't let him, because everyone that loved me left. My parents, being a prime example. I couldn't let him in.

Alli gave me a smirk of her own, and started a rant on how she was going to actually talk to Drew today. I zoned out, staring around the schoolyard. Eventually, the bell rang, forcing Alli and I to go our separate ways. It was time for me to face my day, alone.

…...

The beginning of the day passed by in a blur. It consisted of me sitting at my desk, drawing aimlessly over my notebooks. Or daydreaming. Or trying to sleep. Overall, it wasn't very eventful.

That is, until English rolled around.

I walked into class and sat in my regular seat, my nerves jumping all over the place. A few minutes later, Eli walked in. He caught me staring at him and gave me his signature smirk. He headed over in my direction. Oh god, I didn't want him to talk to me.

Instead, he put his bag down and sat in the desk in front of me. Actually, now that I was paying attention, I recognized that I had been sitting behind him all this time. I just never really had a reason to look at his face and realize that it was actually Eli Goldsworthy that I was sitting behind, not some weird nerd guy.

Eli turned around, almost as if he could sense that I was thinking about him.

"How's it going, Edwards?" He asked.

"Fine. Pretty boring, actually."

"It is a Monday…" He replied.

"And the fact that some creep keeps trying to talk to me every chance he gets," I shot at him. He chuckled lightly. He opened his mouth to say something, but the shrill ring of the bell cut him off. He grimaced, then he turned around to face forward, looking like it was the last thing he wanted to do. That made me smile.

Ms. Dawes began her lesson on the book that we were currently reading. I zoned out, staring around the room. Subconsciously, I pulled up the sleeve of my sweater to scratch my arm. I felt something warm and wet. I looked down and saw my bandages stained with blood, already. I felt sick, knowing that I had to cover this up somehow.

I raised my hand. "Uh, Ms. Dawes? Can I go to the bathroom?" I asked, trying to put a pained look on my face. She nodded swiftly and continued her lesson. When I left the room, I saw Eli anxiously glance back at me. Of course, he knew something was up.

I rushed to the bathroom. When I got in there, I stood by the sink. I grabbed some paper towels and put them under warm water. I then tried to dab off as much of the blood as I could. When I got off as much excess blood that was possible, I wiped my arm down with a dry paper towel. When I was all fixed up, I looked into the mirror.

I shouldn't be bleeding this much. I knew that I was losing way too much blood. I had gone overboard last night with the cutting. I must have hit a few veins, that's all. I'm sure it will heal in a few days. I tried to convince myself that it was no big deal, but my stomach was in knots. I shook it off and walked out of the bathroom.

I stopped at the drinking fountain and got a sip of water. Wiping my mouth, I stood up and turned around. A booming voice filled the halls. "Students and staff, we are officially in lock down. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill." Mr. Simpson's voice said sternly over the intercom.

I looked around, panicking. All of the teachers were shutting off their lights and locking their doors. I was too far from the office to get help. The teachers were told to never open the doors for anyone during a lockdown. I was pretty much screwed. I stiffened when I heard a voice speak behind me.

"I told you I would come back, Clare bear. And here I am. Say hello to your father."

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, guys. It really helps me keep writing! So I finally got to the part that I was so excited for! What do you think will happen? Review, please!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not, and probably never will, own Degrassi.**

I froze. My legs wouldn't move, no matter how hard I tried to lift them. I needed to get away from him, right now.

"What's the matter, Clare? Can't face your own father?" I whipped around, staring at him. He smirked, and I was suddenly reminded of Eli. My heart broke. I needed Eli right now. Out of everyone in the world, Eli was the one who could help me right now. I looked around frantically, searching the halls, praying that someone would randomly open a door and usher me inside. I looked back to my father.

"What do you want? Why can't you just leave me alone?" I asked. His smirk turned into an evil grin as he reached into his back pocket. Before I could say or do anything, he was holding a knife in his hand. It was identical to the one I had stolen so long ago.

"Recognize this, Clare bear?" I stood there in shock. He knew. "I know that you stole my knife a while ago. So I bought a new one, just like it, this weekend. You're a cutter. That makes sense, you always wanted all the attention. Stupid little bitch," He advanced towards me. I backed away and raised my arms.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I stammered. My back hit a wall. Oh my god, I was screwed. This is how all those girls die in the scary movies. There's no way out of this. I closed my eyes.

"Your mother is gone. I finished her off. Now it's just you," He whispered angrily. All the blood drained from my face. _Your mother is gone._ My own mother. He killed her. Suddenly, I was rushed with anger. My reflexes acted out and I couldn't control anything.

I kneed him between the legs and shoved him. I tried to maneuver myself around him, but he was too big. He started falling backwards and it was my chance to move. I leaped over him, but he grabbed my leg and ripped me down to the floor. My head hit the ground and the wind knocked out of me. _Where the hell are the cops and Principal Simpson?_ I thought. Aren't they supposed to be scouring the school for the intruder? No wonder Degrassi was on the school board's watch list. Their protection sucked.

I scampered onto my hands and knees and tried to crawl away from my father. I made the mistake of looking back. His face was so full of anger that it scared the shit out of me. I scrambled onto my feet and tried to run. I felt a massive hand grab my arm and pull me back once more. I blindly threw a punch that connected with some type of flesh. I was instantly greeted with the worst pain I have ever felt in my whole life.

I always thought that when I got stabbed, I would scream my head off and writhe around in pain. Surprisingly, I just gasped and sagged against the wall. I looked down to my arm. There was a knife sticking out of my bicep. It was so disgusting that I almost threw up. I looked up and saw my father grinning and coming at me. He wasn't finished with me yet. I knew I had to get out of here. I ducked as soon as my father reached for my throat. I ran underneath his arm and sprinted into the hallways. My arm was numb.

I reached over and grasped the knife handle firmly. It was kind of ironic how I had elected to hurt myself with this knife's twin almost every night, yet I wanted this one to stop causing me pain right away. I shook off the thought and kept running, turning corners randomly. I knew that I'd have to eventually run into the police. Where the hell were they?

I noticed my hand was still on the knife. I gritted my teeth and pulled. I finally let out an agonizing scream. My scream was suddenly cut off by a hand being placed over my mouth. I was being pulled into a pitch black room. A strong arm wrapped around my waist and started dragging me into the room. I lifted up my legs and kicked all over the place. I wasn't going to let my dad kill me without putting up a fight. I bit down on the hand that was over my mouth.

"Jesus, Clare! Calm down!" Eli whisper-yelled in my ear. I instantly stopped kicking. I felt a rush of relief and embarrassment come over me. I was safe. I turned into Eli's chest and he wrapped his arms around me. My eyes were starting to adjust to the darkness, and I realized that we were in an empty classroom, in an alcove in the back. Eli pushed me into the corner of the walls in the back. If someone walked into the room, they wouldn't be able to see me. Especially with the lights off.

I felt Eli's arms leave my waist and he backed away from me. "Eli, what are you doing?" I asked, panicking. I didn't want him to leave me.

"Someone needs to stop him," He whispered in a dark tone. I was shocked.

"No. Don't you dare. That's what the police are for. Just stay with me, okay?" I asked. He still wouldn't come back to me. "Actions speak louder than words," I murmured, remembering our conversation from just this morning. It felt like that happened years ago instead of a few hours ago. Instantly, I felt Eli's arms around me again. He pulled me to the floor and we sat down.

He pulled me into his chest. It felt…right. Like I was meant to be here. After a few seconds of sitting in silence, I made a noise that sounded like a dying goat. Eli turned his head to me, eyes wide. I held onto my arm for dear life. After all the excitement of having Eli with me had died down, the pain in my arm seemed to increase exponentially. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't a doctor, but I knew that all the blood I had lost in the past day is definitely not good for me.

I felt Eli move and then heard a tearing sound. He gingerly moved my arm and wrapped a bit of fabric around the wound. He then tied it tightly against my arm. I had seen people do that in movies. I hoped it really worked. I leaned my head on his shoulder, the pain unbearable. Tears were streaming down my face.

Suddenly, there was light in the room. Someone had opened the door. "Clare…" my father called. "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" He yelled, laughing. "I know you're in here! I heard your voice! Are you talking to yourself, insane little girl?" I felt Eli stiffen. I put my hand on his knee, mentally telling him that I would kill him if he attempted to play "hero".

The footsteps were coming closer and closer. I cringed into Eli, knowing this was probably it. At least I got to die in a good place, with someone who actually cared. I felt Eli grip my hand. It made this ending just a little better. Maybe, if my dad wasn't on some murderous rampage and I was actually normal, I would actually fall in love with Eli. But I guess I'll never know.

The footsteps stopped. I knew he was right there, next to us. "I found you Clare—" A gunshot rang out. I shut my eyes tight and held onto Eli. But the pain never came. I slowly opened my eyes and shook Eli. Dread filled me, what if Eli got shot? Oh god. Thankfully, Eli opened his eyes too and looked at me. We stared at each other for a few seconds, making sure the other was alive. But then it dawned on us. If neither of us were injured, then who was?

We slowly turned our heads, like we were in some dramatic movie. I saw my father rolling around on the ground, holding his ankle. A swarm of police officers rushed in and surrounded him. A few of them pulled him off of the ground and put handcuffs around him. They must have shot his foot so he's get distracted and wouldn't hurt us.

Eli turned to me, still gripping my hand. "It's over, Clare. It's all over." He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. And that's when I passed out.

**A/N: Ta-da! Sorry if there are spelling mistakes, it's super late and I'm supposed to be cramming for a Biology test I have tomorrow. Whoops! I just really really really wanted to write this. Review, por favor!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I still do not own Degrassi.**

I woke up to the most annoying beeping noise. I grumbled and rolled over, and swatted at the alarm clock by my bed. I didn't want to get up. Only, my hand went through thin air. Suddenly it dawned on me. The beeping was a machine, not my alarm clock. I had just been sweeping my hand through the air for no reason. How embarassing. I opened my eyes to see two doctors chuckling at me and Eli, sitting in a corner, his lips pressed together, trying his hardest not to laugh. But when I made eye contact with him, I narrowed my eyes, and he couldn't hold his laughter anymore. He burst out laughing, making me feel even more annoyed but oddly warm inside.

"Clare, you're awake!" One of the doctors said. _No shit_, I thought. When the doctor walked closer to me, I realized that she was actually really pretty. Her brown hair was long and wavy and pulled back into a low ponytail. She must be trying to grow out her bangs, because they had fallen out of the ponytail and framed her face. Her complexion was perfect and she had perfectly white teeth. I felt a little intimidated by her.

She stuck out her hand. "Hello, Clare, I'm Miss Stacey. I'm a social worker here at the hospital," She said with a smile. I reached up to shake her hand, but realized that my arm was connected to tubes and machines that constricted my movement a bit. She smiled at me again and dropped her hand, giving me a look that said she understood.

"Do you remember why you're here?" She asked softly. I was a little confused at first. I looked around the room, taking in the hospital scene. My eyes passed doctors and machines, and they finally settled on Eli, sitting alone in a corner, paying attention to what I would say next. Suddenly, vivid images of running through the hallways of Degrassi popped in my head. I remembered screaming and running and immense pain. And then I remembered my father. The one who had caused this all.

"Wh-where's my father?" I asked in a shaky voice. I suddenly felt so alone and scared. I just wanted someone to walk over and hold my hand. Someone to push back my hair and tell me it would be okay. I wished that person was Eli, but I knew it wouldn't happen.

"Your father has been arrested and is awaiting his trial. Don't worry, he won't be coming anywhere near you. Your mother is on her way—" She stopped at my audible gasp.

"My mother? I thought she was…dead?" I asked incredulously. I glanced at Eli, who was smirking at me. Asshole. I thought he might actually like me, and he's making a joke out of my mother's death?

"Clare, your mother is very much alive. Who told you that she was dead?" Miss Stacey looked directly at Eli, who, still smirking, leaned back and placed his hands over his heart, like he was shocked that she would assume such a thing.

"My father did. Right before he started chasing me," I whispered, shuddering at the memory. Miss Stacey reached down and took my hand. I assumed that social workers were always way too sympathetic, and Miss Stacey definitely was. But a part of me felt safe at her touch. I felt that I could tell her anything and she'd give me to answer to life.

"It's okay, Clare. He was lying to you so you would feel more scared, and it worked, didn't it?" I nodded with my head down, ashamed of my gullibility. I glanced through my eyelashes at Eli, who was _still_ in that chair. He saw me and gave me a soft smile. I could tell he was uncomfortable with the whole thing, so why was he still here?

Miss Stacey must have seen us looking at each other, because she turned to the other doctor and then back at me. "We'll leave you two alone for a bit. But I'll be back with your mother later. When she gets here, we'll discuss what happened," She started moving towards the door, pulling the unwilling doctor with her. "Oh, and Clare," Miss Stacey called when she was almost out the door, "we'll also have to talk about your _other _arm," She said pointedly. I knew instantly that she meant my cutting arm.

A sense of dread washed over me. I blanched. No one was supposed to ever find out about my weakness. No one except Eli, who had found out by force. I buried my head in my hands, fearing the conversation that I was set to have later on in the day. I felt strong hands pulling at my wrists. I opened my eyes and saw Eli sitting on my bed, holding my arms in his hands.

"Clare," he whispered. He pushed a lock of my hair behind my ear. Okay, this kid either really likes me or he's totally leading me on. He probably feels the need to be nice to me after being dragged into this horrible mess.

"Why did you come after me? How did you-?" He knew what I was referring to. I wanted to know how he was in that room, during an intense lock down, with a possible murderer on the loose.

"When you left English, I could tell something was wrong. You were really pale and you were clutching your arm." He glanced down at my arm, as if to make sure it was still there. "You had been ignoring me all weekend, and I know how hard it is to stop cutting. So I was concerned that you must have given in during the weekend and…" He trailed off, as if the thought of me hurting myself killed him inside. How did he know all this about me? How did he know me so well? I was angry that he would just assume that I was so weak, but I was also honored that he was paying so much attention to me.

"So," He continued, "a little after you left, I asked Ms. Dawes if I could get my notebook from your locker. She didn't buy it, so I went up to her and told her that I was concerned about you and needed to make sure you were alright." I felt all fuzzy inside and I wanted to smile. Instead, I stared at him like an idiot, waiting for him to go on. He smirked at my attentiveness. "She still wouldn't let me out. I told her that it was a dire emergency and if she wouldn't let me go, I would leave anyways. Eventually, she saw how desperate I was and let me go. I secretly think she was proud of my heroic abilities." He smirked and winked at me. That move alone unleashed a pack of butterflies in my stomach. I was mildly aware that he had casually slid his hands down from my wrists and wrapped them around mine sometime during the story, but I wasn't complaining.

"I was out in the hallway, running to the bathroom, when Mr. Simpson made the announcement about the lockdown. I saw a classroom door still open, and I started to move towards it when I saw you. You were standing so still that I was confused. I walked closer and saw how terrified you were. I realized that you must have run into the intruder. I wanted to help you, but I thought it would make it worse if I showed up. So instead, I hid in a room. I prayed that you would run past me. And I don't pray," He added, smiling. "When you ran past, I grabbed you and dragged you in. And then you attacked me, and…yeah," He concluded.

"I'm really glad you were there. I don't know what he would have done if you weren't…" I whispered, terrified of the alternate outcome. Eli looked down at our hands, and then back up at me. I caught my breath when his emerald eyes locked with mine.

"Look, Clare, I understand that I've been really pushy lately. I've probably been creeping you out by always trying to talk to you and stuff. I'm sorry. I'll stop, I really will. I just want you to know that I care about you," He paused and slightly licked his lips. He looked really nervous. "I like you, Clare. I don't want anything to happen to you. I want you to be safe. You're beautiful, smart, funny, everything that makes you perfect." The words he spoke made me tear up. No one, in my entire life, had ever told me that. Sure, Alli had said it in passing, but she never truly meant it.

"Eli… I think I like you too. I mean, you make me feel special. And like I could get better. But," he looked up at me. "Buts" are never a good thing, and I scared him. "But I don't know if I could make this work. So much has happened, and I need to just settle down a bit. There's just so much going on right now that I need to sort out." I mumbled, saddened by my own response. Here I was, pushing away another of the people who actually cared about me. I looked into Eli's eyes and saw the light in them dim slightly. He put on a sad smile and squeezed my hands.

"It's okay, Clare. I understand. Once you get all of this sorted out, we can figure out what we want to do. But if that's alright, I want to stay with you through all this. I want to help you, in my own selfish way." He looked at me, as if he was scared of my response. I nodded, and he released a sigh.

"I'd love for you to stay and help. I need something stable in my life right now. Thank you, Eli, for everything." I said with a smile. We were interrupted by a sharp knock on my door. The door opened, revealing Miss Stacey and…my mother. After going through a period of time thinking she was dead, all grudges I had against her were gone. I still loved her, despite the horrible way she treated me recently. I still wanted her approval.

"Clare, it's time for us to talk," Miss Stacey said, entering the room. Eli looked at me and squeezed my hand. I took a deep breath, and leaned back. This would be hard, but I knew Eli would help me through it.

**A/N: Sorry for the delay for updating! I went out of town for the weekend and couldn't write. I hope you all enjoyed this! It's my longest chapter yet. Review if you please!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I am so so so sorry for not updating! I got really bad writer's block, and there's so much drama in my life, that I honestly could not put the right mood on this story. But I guess today, I'm in the mood to write it. It'll be really short though, but I promise to update really quickly. I just want to get this up!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

Miss Stacey and my mother approached my bed. I sat up a little straighter. Eli slipped his arm around me, supporting me. He was dancing on a fine line of acting a little too touchy-feely for being "just friends" right now, but I kind of needed it. Miss Stacey's eyes darted to Eli's arm.

"Clare, I think that it would be suitable if we spoke to you alone," She said, emphasizing the word "alone" and looking directly at Eli. He started pulling his arm back, uncertain of what to do. I grasped his hand and pulled it back around me. I turned to him.

"No, stay," I whispered, looking at him. He gave a stern nod. "Eli is going to stay with me," I told Miss Stacey. "He was there, he can help me recount what happened, if you need back up or something. To know I'm not lying to you. I could easily just make up stuff and you wouldn't really know what I was talking about, but if Eli was here he—" Miss Stacey held up her hand to stop my rambling. Right.

"I get it, Clare. Well, Eli, get comfortable. We're going to be here for awhile," She said. Eli nodded and gave me a soft smile. He squeezed my side.

"Clare, baby, we want to know what happened from the beginning. We want to know about your…your cutting." She finished, swallowing a lump in her throat.

"I-I can't," I whispered. I can't talk about this in front of my mother. She's one of the reasons.

Thankfully, Miss Stacey must have read my mind. She turned to my mom. "Mrs. Edwards, could you let me and Clare talk about this alone?" She asked her softly. My mom just gaped at her.

"You don't understand, she's my baby girl! She wants me to hear this! I need to know about this!" She screeched. I gently placed my hand on her arm.

"Mom. Please. Miss Stacey can tell you about it when we're done," I whispered. She slowly shook her head. She opened her mouth to say something but I cut her off. "If you want to save my life, you'll do this." I felt bad guilt tripping her, but I just couldn't take about this in front of her. She slowly stood up, finally getting the message. She walked to the door, taking one final look back out, and then leaving my sight altogether.

"Okay, Clare. You now have the floor," Miss Stacey said, pulling out a notebook and a pen. She looked up at me.

"I-I don't know where to start," I mumbled.

"How about at the beginning? What made you first start harming yourself? If you don't mind, Clare, I would like you to be as detailed as possible," She asked innocently.

I shifted uncomfortably. I didn't want Eli to hear this. "I used to have a boyfriend. His name was KC. He was sweet, calm, and safe. I didn't have to take any chances with him. He was always there for me. I thought that I had finally found someone as stable as I was. It was supposed to be a drama-free relationship. I loved him, and he loved me," I hesitated and pulled in a shaky breath. Miss Stacey was scribbling illegible words on her notepad. She glanced up at me and the corners of her mouth tweaked up in some kind of smile that must have been meant as encouragement. Eli squeezed my side.

"He was on the basketball team for Degrassi, and the finals were coming up. Of course, I went to watch him. Even though I wasn't a fan of the sport and all the obnoxious fans, I made a promise to him that I'd always support him. So I went. The whole game, he played wonderfully. As cliché as it was, he even scored the winning basket. After that, it was all mayhem. I remember running to KC, and he kissed me on the forehead. He grabbed me tight, and I felt wonderful; like we were always meant for each other. I felt awkward though. I hated being in the spotlight, and KC knew it. He told me that there was a huge party tonight and he _had_ to go. So I sucked it up and promised I'd go too." I stopped, and rubbed my forehead. I knew what was coming next. I've never talked about it out loud. I tried to forget about this night ever since it happened.

"Clare, if you want to take a break, you can. I'm so proud of you for getting this far," Miss Stacey said, placing her hand over mine. Honestly, all of this "therapy encouragement" was pissing me off. But I knew that I had to get it over and done with sooner or later. And I know Eli wants to hear this. I want him to know too, and this way, I don't have to do this in a one-on-one conversation with him. So I shook my head at Miss Stacey and took another deep breath.

"I went home to change. I spent hours in front of my mirror trying to pick the perfect outfit. Eventually, time was getting the better of me, so I put on a dress that I wear to church and a cardigan. I wasn't really sure of it, because all the popular kids in school would be at the party and I didn't want to look like a loser. But I thought KC would like it. He always told me I was beautiful. I went outside to greet KC. He was talking on his phone and smiling. As I got closer, he looked up and saw me. He whispered something into his phone. It was hushed, but I could make out the words 'love you, see you soon'. I thought he was talking to his mom, so I thought nothing of it.

"When I got to him," I continued, "I went to kiss him on the cheek. I went on my tip-toes, but he pushed my shoulders down and away from him. He gave me a really dirty look, which was weird. 'You're planning on going to a senior party in…that?' He had asked me. I was already insecure about that dress, that comic just made it so much worse. 'Go change, now.' He demanded. So I rushed inside and ripped the dress off. I grabbed a pair of skinny jeans and went into my sisters closest for the slinkiest shirt I could find. I put it all on and looked in the mirror. I wasn't me anymore," I said. I was surprised at how much I had already shared. But I still had so much more to tell.

"Okay. So KC making you change your clothes, that was the start to this…snowball effect?" Miss Stacey asked me. I nodded, for lack of anything to say. I felt the hospital bed shift and suddenly felt Eli's warm breath in my ear.

"Clare, you are beautiful. No matter what you wear," Eli whispered to me. He gave my side another squeeze and I turned bright red. Despite my embarrassment, his words touched me. They made me tear up, but I skillfully held them back. I was good at that.

Miss Stacey smiled at us. "Clare, what happened at the party?" She asked me.

"Well I came back out, and KC was texting someone. He noticed me, and he smiled. I looked like a Class A slut, and he actually liked it. We drove to the party in silence, except for the music droning from the radio. We had never been this awkward together, and it scared me. When we arrived, KC didn't even put his arm around me until we reached the massive crowd of people inside the house. So many people crowded KC at once that I was pushed to the side. I spent the next thirty minutes in the corner because no one wanted to talk to the 'outcast'," I said. Miss Stacey nodded, while continuing on in her notebook filled with scribbles.

I turned to Eli. He looked rigid and his arm was locked around me like a vice.

"What's wrong?" I whispered. His head turned to me, a look of pain hidden in his eyes.

"Clare, I was…there. At the party. And—" He couldn't finish his sentence. He got up and left the room. I wanted to chase after him, but all of these stupid tubes and wires were holding me back. Instead, I sat back on the rough pillow, hurt and confused.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

Miss Stacey gave me a confused look. "Clare, if you want to take a break right now, we can." She murmured. I shook my head.

"I'm already this far into the story. I don't want to have to back out now," I said. She nodded and picked up her pen. The point daintily swept the paper and finally settled in an empty spot.

"So I sat there, on a couch in the family room. It was one of those rooms that no family ever uses. It's just there for decoration. So I sat there as people walked by and stared at me, wondering what on earth I was doing. Finally, I got way too embarrassed, so I left the room. I wandered around the house, bumping into people, having drinks sloshed on me. There were thousands of couples making out in dark corners; it made me think of KC. So I went on a man-hunt to find him. I climbed stairwells and opened doors, but I couldn't find him anywhere. Eventually, I got so frustrated that I marched up to a random stranger and asked if he knew where KC was.

"The guy smirked at me and pointed to the end of the hallway. I was confused, so I followed his direction. As I neared the end of the hallway, I reached a bedroom. You could hear what was going on in there from the outside. I still wasn't sure that it was KC, so I pushed the door open a bit. Sure enough, KC and the head cheerleader, Jenna, were going at it in there. I closed the door and sprinted back down all of the stairs, bawling my eyes out. I felt like a giant black hole had replaced my heart. I—" My throat choked up. I ran the back of my hand along my cheek, wiping away a few stray tears. Miss Stacey placed her hand on my leg. I ached for Eli's touch. For his comforting words. But he left me, like they all did.

"I felt broken. The only one I loved had just betrayed me. So I went back to my loser couch and cried my eyes out. After about another half an hour, I felt a hand shake my shoulder. I could barely see through my eyes, they were glazed with tears. I was so groggy, and I never socialized with this group of people. I got up, thinking it was some guy who wanted the couch to make out with his girlfriend on. But he pushed me back down and asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn't, and he told me to hang on. Then he left. For the second time that day, someone walked out on me. By then, I was broken," I stopped. I heard a weird, strangled noise from outside of my room. Miss Stacey heard it too, but she just shrugged.

"We're at a hospital, dear. There are a lot of weird noises here. Keep going, sweetheart. You're doing great," She told me.

"Right. So, uh, he left me. And I didn't know what to do. Another guy came up to me and offered me a plastic cup with something in it. It wasn't the previous guy, and I didn't know this one either. I was so done with everything, I just thought, _What the hell¸_ and drank. It tasted disgusting and I felt like I was going to puke, but I kept going. I just wanted someone to accept me. After a while, he had supplied me with four full cups of whatever alcohol was being served that night. He laughed at how sloppy I was getting; how I was stumbling around and spilling my drinks. Eventually, he left me too.

"By now, I was totally wasted. I was stumbling hazily from room to room, bumping into practically everything. Suddenly, a hand grabbed my shoulder. I turned around, and it was the guy from earlier, the one who told me to hang on. He asked me if I was feeling better, and I told him I was fine. He didn't look too convinced, but I didn't care. I practically jumped him in the middle of the room. We started making out and it was getting really intense. I stopped, feeling guilty and thinking of KC. Then I remembered that I was now single, and dragged the guy into the closest room," I stopped. I couldn't remember what happened next. Everything was so fast and so different.

"So, you had sex with this stranger?" Miss Stacey asked me, concern filling her eyes.

"Yes," I whispered. "Yes, I think so. I can't remember, it is all such a haze. I just remember thinking afterwards that I had no clue who I was with. I had a purity ring on, but I felt so dirty. I felt wrong. I left the room, and ran out of the house. The guy was calling after me, but I didn't care. Honestly, I can't even remember what he looked like. I ran all the way home, stumbling and tripping so many times. By the time I got home, I was relatively sober. I tried to fix my clothes up, so my parents wouldn't get suspicious. I got fed up with it all, so I just charged inside and sprinted upstairs.

"But here's the thing: my parents didn't care. They sat in the front room, watching T.V., not even caring about their ruined daughter. I knew then that I was broken. I believed that no-one loved me. I couldn't even get myself together enough to talk to my best friend. I was so mad at myself; I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered all of the stories about kids who hated themselves who turned into cutters. I knew my dad had a pocket knife in his bathroom, so I ran to get it. I sat myself down in the basement, holding the knife in my hand.

"I wasn't sure that I could do it. I was sensitive to pain. But I thought of KC, how I thought he loved me. I thought of my faith, and how I had screwed it over in one night. I thought of my parents, who couldn't care less that I was broken. With all of that fresh in my mind, I made the first slice. After that, I just couldn't stop," I took a deep breath. I had shared so much. I closed my eyes and stayed silent while Miss Stacey added more scribbles to her pad.

Eventually, the sound of pen scratching paper stopped. I opened my eyes and looked up at Miss Stacey. I was exhausted. I didn't want to talk anymore right now. "Clare," She said firmly. "Do you consider what happened that night as rape?" She asked. I was shocked by the bluntness of her question.

"As much as I would like to think so, no. It was my decision. I may have been totally wasted, but I wasn't forced into it," I sighed. I was a horrible person. I didn't deserve to get help. "Miss Stacey? Can we take a break now? I'm exhausted, and I honestly can't hold up right now," I mumbled. She nodded and stood up.

"I'm so proud of you, Clare. There is much more to talk about, but you have made a nice dent in it. Stay strong, sweetie," She said, smiling. She walked out of the room and left me there, alone to think.

I wanted Eli. I wanted his arms around me. I wanted his voice telling me that everything would be okay, and that I was beautiful. But I pushed him away. I lied to him and told him that I didn't want a relationship right now. I was afraid that history would repeat itself. Eli could be the next KC. But I got a different vibe with Eli. Eli cared so much. He told me I was beautiful. He was so persistent in making sure that I was okay that it was borderline creepy.

I laid back and closed my eyes. I rubbed my temples, trying to calm down. Thinking about that night made me feel so weak. It was the first night of many that I spent on that bathroom floor. After that night, I was so disgusted with what I had done, that I tried to convince myself that it didn't happen. I kept my purity ring on and continued going to church. I erased the few images I had of the guy at the party from my mind.

Thinking hard, I tried to remember what he looked like. All I could remember was the intensity of it all. I remember making out with him in that room and breaking away from him. I looked at him, suggesting that we should do something more. The sight of his emerald eyes had shocked me.

His emerald eyes.

His emerald eyes.

_His emerald eyes._

"OH MY GOSH!" I screamed. I clamped my hands over my mouth, but I couldn't stop shaking. The caring guy, the guy I jumped, the guy I lost my virginity to, was the same exact guy who was just in my hospital room a while ago.

It was Eli. It was always Eli.

_And he knew it, too._

I whimpered and tried to sink back into the pillow. I tried to melt into it. I wanted to disappear. I was so embarrassed that I had done that to him a while ago, and had no clue. I sat behind him in english all freakin' year! I didn't even know he existed. I was ashamed. But a teeny-tiny speck deep down inside of me was elated. If anyone had to be my first, I was glad it was Eli. I was glad that I was with someone who cared deeply about me.

Suddenly, his reaction earlier made complete sense. He must have remembered the party from the way I described it. He must have thought about me, sitting all alone in the front room. He must have remembered picking up a girl from the front room and going all the way in a bedroom. He must have realized that it was me, all along.

It made sense to me that he forgot about it. The whole time, his kisses tasted like alcohol. He might not have been as drunk as me, but he was definitely tipsy. Plus, I didn't look like myself at all. I looked like a whore.

All of this realization was way too much for me. I took a deep breath and sank back into the hospital bed. My arm was killing me. I was sure that the stab wound was now one giant mess filled with stitches and gauze. I tried to think relaxing thoughts so I could drift off to sleep. I was exhausted, and I felt like I was going to collapse if I tried to stay awake for one more second. I took what seemed like my millionth deep breath of the day, rolled over as much as I could, and shut down.

* * *

I was aware that I was moving. My torso was being shifted forward and my head plopped to the side. I wanted to open my eyes, but I just did not have the energy. Eventually, the movement stopped. Everything was fuzzy and soft. _I must be dreaming_, I thought. I heard a beautiful voice ring out.

"Clare," It whispered. Something was moving my hair. Something was constantly moving on my face, smoothing my skin over and over and over again. This dream was really weird. I wanted to open my eyes, but the beautiful voice rang out again. "You are so beautiful. I wish you could see it. You are the most wonderful person I have ever met. Everything and everyone pales in comparison to you. I wish that you saw me the same, though. I would care for you like no one else would. I would never, ever leave you for some slut," The voice turned bitter. The speaker's breaths were turning shallow and I felt something press against my forehead.

"See?" They continued. "You keep me calm. You make me feel like I could get over everything. You make me feel like I belong. I know that you don't like me, Clare. But I will fight for you. I will do anything for you. Because whether you like it or not, I'm falling for you."

With that, the world shifted. I was back into a dream world filled with color and movement. I was back into my normal dreams, but I was praying the whole time that I could be back with the mysterious speaker.


End file.
